It all started in 2010, in some random hotel in Baltimore, Maryland, when I sized myself up in the mirror trying to reach for validation with not only myself but the people around me – not quite sure why I needed validation from someone but I just always felt I wasn’t good enough. Good enough to be someone’s woman, good enough to be my parent’s child, or even good enough to be great enough. Nothing didn’t make sense to me at the age of 20, I was doing what I said I was going to do: moved out of my parent’s house, had my own apartment in my name, went to school, had my own car, a good job , dating , partying but something wasn’t just right and I couldn’t figure it out. Like most people, I ignored it and I definitely didn’t share it with friends – I didn’t think they would even care enough to listen to my thoughts….. I was always the non-verbal one, that showed little to no emotion, you wouldn’t be able to figure out what I was going through if I were to tell you anything.
So I turned on my clippers with no idea on how to buzz cut hair or which guard to use, I just wanted to set myself free , free from confusion, free from perspective , free from my habits. Just needed to set myself free from all the care and expectations I had. Staring myself in the eyes with clippers in my hand was making me hesitate so I closed my eyes , while I flip the switch on my clippers and I listened to the buzzing noise while I took one deep breath , opened my eyes and the right hand with the clippers raised up towards the back of my head.
And there it was .. the first streak of hair falling down on the hotel sink. I felt, scared but I knew I had to keep going – if I didn’t like it then I would wear a hat until my hair grows back. I just started going up and down, all directions of my head , like the barbers do – not as well at the time but my scalp was all even and hairless. There I was baring it all, nothing to hide, nothing to deny , it was the pure version of ME.
I remember the first time I walked around with this new look of mine. I carried a ” I don’t give a f***” attitude, because I truly didn’t anymore. Facing the challenge of wearing no hair as a woman was probably one of my biggest challenges I had to test. Why would I have to say this one particularly? Being brought into this world as a woman, and taught “hair” is the essence of a woman’s beauty, or hair symbolize “feminine” was starting to be bullshit to my beliefs; I saw differently and that wasn’t the only thing I saw differently as I traveled the world in my 20’s. That’s when it began, the stares that use to break me down , the whispers that filled my ears with bullshit , all seemed to evaporate out of my life because I was focused on working on me and knowing what makes me happy.
It wasn’t an easy process for me to detach my feelings, I did seek out for professional help, psychologist, and journaling my behavior and thoughts to try to diffuse the battle I was having with my self-esteem and relationship with others. During this process, I noticed a lot things with my behavior stemmed from extended family problems that I had carried onto my life and that energy was carrying over into everything I was doing, thinking and being. Being away from home, on my own, with no one watching or caring allowed me make mistakes and regain myself confidently. From the day I came out the wound, that was the start of me being compared to my older sister due to our birthday are on the same day. Throughout my young years, I felt like I had an expectation to meet with not only my parents but also the extended family, for them to see who I am as an individual. Over the course of years, it became exhausting and frustrating, I started to get lost in my thoughts and soaked up in my silences while allowing all that build up turn into outburst at times. While everyone thought that was just my character, I didn’t want to accept this was my character because I wasn’t like this especially when I’m around people who know nothing about my background. Once I identified these things, I mapped out things and people I need to steer away from; I worked on and damn that was and IS the best feeling to NOT GIVE A F**** about these things. My life has so much weight off of it, my drive is inevitable and my thinking pattern is better than I’ve ever had it in my whole entire life. I had all that bullshit sitting in my mind, weighing me down from my full potential and at the age of 29, I am better and happier than ever.
I couldn’t ask for anything better then that time period or phase in my life, I will have to say it is my most pivotal moment that will keep me grounded . With me going through so much of life’s lessons that has strength my self-esteem – I feel like no one can tell me otherwise. They weren’t there when events are happening or witnessing my post- behavior after the situation , so why would I feel like they have the right to voice their opinion on my life and what makes me happy. I’m happy because I found a way for me to be comfortable in my own skin , I’m happy in the direction I am going thus far at the age of 29 and most importantly, I found a way to stay in my lane and not give a fuck! I’ve been bald for 5 years, and when I decided to go back to having some hair, I dont know what it was but it just didn’t feel like it was me. It felt like an extra “ thinging” to worry about
I’ve find my life very peaceful and my inside and outside matches – I wouldn’t have it any other way.